Need a good laugh? Here are our 12 favorite stories of masturbation gone horribly wrong:
Redditor ENDofZERO shares this awkward tale of a lie being taken seriously:
I was jerking off and my sister walked in. I tried to hide under my covers and she was like, what are you doing. I feigned that I was checking something out on my penis, thinking she would just leave me alone.
Nope. She got concerned and got my dad involved, so now they are all in my room trying to figure out what's wrong with my penis. Fucking awkward.
One time, when I was about 12 or 13, I had the sweet idea of taking the seeds out of a cucumber, putting it in the microwave, and humping it. I was super excited about my new cucumber Fleshlight. I start humping it, but instead of pleasure, I felt burning. I had put the cucumber in the microwave for too long, and I had blisters on my shaft for several days. They were excruciating, and gym class was a new level of hell for me.
Reddit user TheMarso recalls the time he learned a valuable lesson about earthquake preparedness:
Still remember this day. Five years ago I was just starting to get into porn and not giving a damn about the fact that I shared my room with my brother. One night at 4 AM I was under the blanket watching some weird porn and while I was doing my thing, it happened.
I kid you not, a fucking earthquake struck. Out of all the times, it decided to strike JUST when I was masturbating. I live in a religious family, i use a big tablet to watch porn AND my brother's bed is two feet away from mine. I thought I was doomed.
So now I was crying "Oh Lord, please forgive me oh Lord!", one hand still on my penis, the other raised to the sky. I was SHITTING myself.
My dad came in and I hid myself under the blankets because I was half ass naked and the video was still playing. Scariest 30 seconds of my life 0/10 would not recommend.
TL;DR: Earthquake struck while I was masturbating.
Reddit user Soracaz shared this hilarious story of a teenage boy’s life Down Under:
True story. I was chilling in the bathroom, taking one of those procrastinating poops. You know, the ones where you finished 20 minutes ago but you're really invested in this YLYL thread on /b/. So, as things normally go on that site, the thread quickly devolved into a "porn YLYL".
So, after seeing some fresh tiddies I'm half-mast. I figure it's time to scoot on over to /gif/ and make use of my swiftly stiffening ham rocket before it ends up touching the inside of the bowl and I lose it. I load up a tried-and-true creampie thread, and go to grab my meat...
... living in Australia definitely has its ups and downs. Free healthcare, check. Chill cops who don't shoot you as soon as they get a widdle fwightened, check. Huntsman spiders the size of a medium plate at your local Chinese joint, check.
I ended up grabbing the thin hairy leg of one very angry hairy boy. In an effort to escape, he leapt from the underside of the bowl onto my now drastically deflating member. I stood up and helicopter dick'd harder than I think anyone ever has. This didn't affect our eight legged antagonist, though.
So with a hearty blow I slapped my salami so hard that one of his legs came off and he went flying into the wall, skittering off behind the washing machine, never to be seen again.
Right then, my old man, hearing the commotion, gets up out of bed and slides open the unlocked bathroom door. There I am, pants at my ankles, meat redder than the devil’s dick, panting, staring him down. I didn't even wipe my arse. Your boy's not here to fuck spiders.
Reddit user Drifter74 shares this awkward masturbation story from his teen years:
When I was 14 or 15, this one time I was jacking off with my eyes closed and a pair of headphones on.
I opened my eyes and there was a stack of folded laundry on my desk that wasn't there when I started.
Didn’t think it through...There was some avoidance in the house for a while afterwards (me avoiding mom at all cost.)
Reddit user BagelsAreStaleDonuts shared this story of being caught off guard:
In my house growing up, my brother's and my room both had attic access through our closets and they were connected via a small channel over the roof.
I locked my door and, thinking I was safe, started to do my thing. A couple minutes in, my brother and his best friend burst through my closet door to try and scare me, catching me in the act.
The bastards crawled through the cramped crawl space for like 20 minutes to be quiet as possible so I wouldn't hear them and ended up getting more than they bargained for.
After that, I learned to tie a rope around my closet door handle before using the ole joystick. Very glad I live on my own now.
KnowItAll811 shared this story from his college days about coming home drunk:
Back in college I was really drunk and horny after a night out drinking. I got back to my room and since I knew my roommate was gone for the night, I fired up the laptop, found my porn of choice, and started going to town. That is literally the last thing I remember.
I woke up in the morning hungover and noticed something was off immediately. I had a blanket thrown across me, one that wasn’t mine, and my laptop was closed and sitting on the nightstand. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that my roommate must have been in the room and that I had passed out while jerking off.
I texted him right away and just said “sorry.” He said “no worries but just so you know, I had Jess (his gf) and her friend with me.” So the three of them walked in and saw me sprawled out naked, dick in hand, passed out. Passes out and limp is definitely not the look I was going for. Everything was fine but it was awkward around those girls for a while.
Reddit user whoaamann shared this story of accidental over-sharing at the Apple Genius Bar:
At the time I had an iPhone 4 and it was the first phone I bought on my own. Being 18 or 19 naturally a lot of porn was watched. Well one day it decided to not unlock after a fap session. I wasn't able to close tabs, clear history etc., so I make an appointment at the Apple store that day and head in. The 'genius' happened to be this kid I was somewhat friends with. He was super religious, very judgmental and liked to gossip.
Anyways, we talk for a minute and catch up. Then I tell him what's going on with my phone (leaving out the porn part of course).
So he takes it and turns it on and of fucking course it works perfect for him! And of course as soon as he unlocks it the browser is still up and all you can see is a girl's face absolutely covered in cum! lol Haven't seen him since.
Reddit user nipplemuffins shared this story of almost getting away with it:
When I was about 11 or 12, my friend and I had figured out what masturbating was and didn't think anything of doing it in front of each other or for each other. So one time we were in the upstairs part of my house and we had just finished and my friend was going to go downstairs to get some food and he walked out of the door just as my mom was about to come in (and before I knew she was upstairs). I said "I accidentally got some of your cum on my pillow." She then walked in a split second later and said she was going to bed, hugged me and didn't make eye contact with me for at least 3 days. She has never said anything about it to this day…
Married dad naninog shared this embarrassing masturbation story that prompted him to ask Reddit for advice:
So this just happened earlier tonight. My wife was out with friends. Thought the kids were asleep and figured I'd have some solo time. Just as I'm getting a rhythm going, my 8-year-old son suddenly appears at the doorway and asks "when is mummy coming home... And what are you doing? That looks weird".
I've never felt so guilty and embarrassed in all my life. I told him to go back to bed and quickly put my hands over my lap.
ThickPotato shared this tale of a near-miss and the awkward situation that resulted:
I once was in my room going at it like teenagers do when I could hear my mom about to come in right as I was at the point of no return.
I jammed my dick back in my pants and it exploded all over my boxers. I then proceeded to have a 10 minute discussion with my mom about school or something while I sat there in jizz-soaked pants. I remember she asked if I wasn't feeling well cause I was acting a little off. It was almost enough to keep me from masturbating ever again. Almost.
Reddit user Pharasula shares this story of a time he didn’t know his own strength:
When I was 15 I completely broke a toilet masturbating. We lived in a duplex that had two bathrooms connected to a mutual bath. I used to go into one of the bathrooms and jerk off on the toilet. On either side of me was a doorway. While doing this I would brace my legs in the doorway placing one feet on one side of the door jamb and my knees on the other side. This particular time I came pretty hard which caused me to slide back and forth on the toilet slamming into the tank and shattering it.
I told my mother that it was caused by the cold outside busting one of the pipes bursting. It wasn’t plausible at all, but I felt like she would rather believe that than know what actually happened.
Masturbation is a natural and normal part of life, but it’s still embarrassing if you’re caught in the act－especially by family members.
When you feel like playing with yourself, remember to check your surroundings, come up with a decent cover story and learn from these guys’ mistakes!
Mia Malkova's Lvl Up Fleshlight offers wonderful initial penetration thanks to the offset bump, allowing you to play 'Just The Tip' for hours. Once you finally slide in, a chamber of swirly suckers softly slides, grips, and twists you into ecstasy. Lvl Up offers an intense combo of sensations that will milk you dry quickly if you're not paying attention.
Read full review: Ultimate Fleshlight Review
Dillion Harper's Crush Fleshlight offers a great balance of realism and gentle stimulation that's ideal for beginners. Crush is a versatile sleeve with a 'mild to wild' personality and wonderfully varied textures that will bring you to your knees.
The Riley Reid Utopia Fleshlight blends textured walls with size-changing canals and tighter nodes to push through. If you like a soft, smooth sleeve with interesting variety, Utopia will knock your socks off.
The Fleshlight Destroya texture is famous for being one of the most intense and stimulating sleeves, and it definitely lives up to its reputation. But brute force intensity is not its only shining quality. Expect to be enveloped by spikey fangs that massage your member into an orgasmic mess.
The two leading rings of the Turbo Thrust Fleshlight simulate the feeling of lips and tongue during a blowjob. Each ring provides soft, consistent pressure on your shaft and a range of intensity as you thrust deeper inside the canal. Plus, the successively tightening spiked rings and the chamber of teeth that lay beyond them actually simulate the feeling of a sloppy wet blowjob. And they're only intensified by watching your cock fill up the canal. The Turbo Thrust is a must for every Fleshlight collector.
The Vibro Fleshlight is like the STU on steroids. The Vibro's special sleeve, called Touch, holds up to three battery-powered vibrators. The entire interior canal of the Touch sleeve is lined with cylindrical "fingers" that rub, nudge, and prod every part of the penis from the base to the tip, similar to the STU's sleeve design.
The Ice Fleshlight comes in both vagina and butt entries, but regardless of orifice, its legendary see-through Crystal texture offers a great combination of stimulation and variation. You get chambers lined with thick ribs, round bumps and rings of various sizes grip and rub your manhood, then open up to a nice gentle massage passage.The variation in textures means that you can get different sensations by focussing on different parts of the sleeve, so I find it pretty perfect for edging.
Dominika's Butterfly Fleshlight provides amazing realism and orgasm quality with a large attractive vulva that you won't be able to look away from. The first chamber has a very open channel containing large alternating pill shaped nodes that allows for quite a lot of movement and stimulation. The second chamber gets a bit tighter as you squeeze through a narrow passage of textured bumps. The third chamber of soft pointed nubs surround your cock and massage it from all angles.
Eva Lovia's Spice Fleshlight is that rare anal sleeve that feels realistic without being overly intense or aggressive. The Spice texture features a narrow entry chamber followed by a larger open area with small nubs, then finally another narrow ribbed chamber. This design creates a gentle suction effect that sucks your cock deeper into the sleeve. The combination of low to mid-intensity, realism, and mild suction feel awesome and result in high orgasm quality.
Brandi Love's Shameless Fleshlight is an extremely tight anal sleeve with a one-of-a-kind penetration experience. Stretch out her tiny little hole and push into a narrow, nubbed chamber that gives way to layers of honeycomb ridges that ratchet up the pressure.
With your dick fully inserted, Brandi's protruding buttocks tickle your balls and tease your sensitive undercarriage.
Read buying guide: The Tightest Fleshlight Sleeves
The first chamber of the Nikki Benz Reign Fleshlight is lined with a thick criss-cross pattern that feels amazing as you slide in, especially on your head and frenelum. Push further and you can feel several rings pop and squeeze your tip, before you enter into an even tighter area. There is no relief with this sleeve, it is intense sensation after intense sensation.
Ana Foxx's Silk Fleshlight is silky smooth, but not so smooth that it's boring. There are some mild variations in the texture but overall it's a medium tight and gentle ride that works well for longer and less intense edging sessions. The smaller channel with the little bumps feels delightful as you push into the third chamber, lightly teasing your tip, building excitement and the drive towards climax. This makes it a great texture to try at different stoke lengths and positions.
Riley Reid's Quickshot packs a surprising variety of textures into the Quickshot's smaller open-ended stroker design. Push past Riley's lips into her snug pussy and you'll feel the grip of stimulating gears. On the opposite end, her asshole has a nice tightness to it with a blocky pattern that offer a nice resistance.
Read full review: Fleshlight Quickshot Review